I come from a family of movie watchers– growing up, if it was a Friday or Saturday night you’d be hard pressed to find us anywhere other than the couch, eyes glued to whatever we’d rented from our local Blockbuster that week.
These days, some things have changed: children have grown up and have their own TV sets in their own houses, and Blockbuster is dead in the ground. Not to say that’s dulled our foursome’s passion for film– I’m a big Netflix junkie, and any spare cash I have goes towards trips to the movies with anyone who’s willing to put up with my snack hogging.
But once a year, it all goes back to the way it was: The Oscars. In our family it’s an excuse to get together and finish up the champagne that’s been hidden in the back of the fridge since Christmas. We know all the stars, have seen all the movies, and are ready to see which films get recognized by The Academy.
As usual, we all had something to say about the red carpet glamour; watching any awards ceremony with my family is always hilarious because it’s pretty much a constant debate between my Mom and I (who actually understand fashion) and my Dad (who has been wearing the same Eddie Bauer plaid and light wash denim since I was born) while my brother operates as a referee, infrequently updating us on what Twitter has to say if we need to settle an argument.
Here’s some of our best– and most outlandish– comments about the Oscars 2017 fashion. All images found via Vogue.com.
Brie Larson: Miss DIY, Apparently
I swooned when I saw Brie step out in this dress. “Best Dressed!” I squealed several times in the span of ten seconds, despite the fact that we had been watching the Red Carpet for all of five minutes.
My Dad was very quick to ruin the moment for me: “She looks like she hacked apart her dress with a pair of scissors.”
My Mom: “It’s 80’s inspired architecture.”
This clearly meant nothing to my Dad, despite having lived through the 80’s. He shrugged and went back to shoving chips in his mouth.
Viola Davis: Classic (As Always)
Viola Davis never disappoints– be it what she wears, what she says, or what she does, she is always perfect. We all loved this look, although the only thing that stopped us from naming her Best Dressed was its predictability; it was a beautiful dress, just a little too safe.
My Mom: “Viola’s been wearing a lot of solid color this season. She does look beautiful though.”
Me: “And the clutch is adorable.”
Jessica Biel: Queen of Egypt/The Dead
My Dad: “She looks very… Egyptian.”
Me: “Like Cleopatra?”
My Dad: “No. Like… A Mummy. Something dead.”
Ruth Negga: Ideal American
We were all too distracted by the blue ribbon on Ruth’s dress to really comment on the look as a whole. All of us had theories about what the ribbon meant– at one point we were half convinced that it had something to do with prostate cancer– and it wasn’t until my brother had the sense to google it that we realized it was in support of the ACLU, or the American Civil Liberties Union, an organization devoted to the defending and protecting of the individual civil rights of American citizens.
The little ribbon made a big statement against the Trump administration; choosing to wear it with something Victorian-styled and historically designed for white women was a beautiful and elegant statement of rebellion.
We all agreed that Ruth looked great.
Alicia Vikander: Cap-Sleeved Cutie
I nearly cried when I saw the cap-sleeves. Why, why are they a thing? No woman deserves to look like she has puffed pastry stuck to her shoulders. This was such a great look, if only it had remained strapless!
My Mom: “The cap-sleeves are cute! Besides, what if it needs to sleeves to stay up?”
Me: “Then get a different dress. They take away from the necklace!”
We bickered for a few minutes about the pros and cons of having little puffed sleeves about your shoulders, not settling the argument before the next celeb was on the screen.
Ryan Gosling: Unoriginal Dreamboat
I had just finished a long rant about how boring men’s fashion is on the Red Carpet (hundreds of them all wear basically the same outfit! If just two women wore distantly similar dresses there would be a thousand articles written for the sake of objectifying them and basically equating them to uncreative piles of dog sh*t. It’s stupid!) when Ryan Gosling stepped out. My crush on him has been notorious since I first saw The Notebook in the 9th grade and no one in my family gets it.
My Mom, still annoyed about the cap-sleeves argument: “HA!”
Me, backtracking: “The shirt! The ruffles! It’s unique, I swear!”
Nobody came to my defense. I was forced to attempt to drown myself in several very large sips of champagne.
Emma Stone: Best Dressed Lady
You can always tell a good dress by the amount of initial reaction it gets when seen on screen. When Emma stepped out on the Red Carpet my living room was initially stunned into silence before suddenly bursting into loud and excited yammering.
Me: “This is totally a tribute to Old Hollywood.”
My Dad: “She looks great, and the ruffles–”
My Mom: “Fringe.”
My Dad: “The fringe looks pretty. She needs a necklace though.”
My Mom: “She has earrings!”
My Dad: “Then a bracelet. She needs more bling.”
Janelle Monae: Most Likely to Kill Sirius Black
This look was a universal miss for everyone. We all agreed it was the bottom– if the top had been mixed with a plain black slim fit skirt this look would have been a contender for my Best Dressed.
My Dad: “I don’t like the poof. She looks like that witch from Harry Potter.”
Me: “What? You mean Bellatrix Lestrange? Helena Bonham Carter?”
My Dad: “Yeah.”
Dev Patel: Mister Steal Yo’ Mom
I suspect my Mom has had a huge crush on Dev Patel since she saw him in Life of Pi. This suspicion was reinforced by the fact that I heard her sigh when we saw him.
My Mom: “I love a man in a white suit.”
My Dad: “It’s just a white jacket.”
My Mom: “Sh. He’s so talented.”
Halle Berry: Hairy Berry
My Mom and I both made loud retching noises when Halle Berry showed up in this; my brother looked up from his phone long enough to snort before returning to Twitter. As one of the most beautiful ladies in Hollywood, seeing her miss the mark so badly actually made me feel sick. I’m assuming the reason her hair was so big was because it was full of secrets– ie, the real winner of Best Picture.
My Mom: “It’s just too much hair. And it’s flat too– a proper perm should have more volume upwards, not outwards.”
Me: “It would work if her dress was simple. You can’t have big hair and a busy dress.”
My Dad, however, adored Halle’s look. “It reminds me of my youth. All the girls had hair like that when I was young. Even the guys did. I had hair like that at one point!”
My Mom noticeably winced and didn’t comment.
Scarlet Johansson: Bathroom Babe
I was so unbelievably disappointed with Scarlet’s look. She’s usually one of my favorites for Classic Hollywood Glam, but I totally thought she missed the mark with this.
Me: “It looks like a shower curtain. The pink and green mix doesn’t work at all.”
My brother: “Why the belt? Why is everyone belting dresses?”
My Mom is a die hard Scarlet Johansson fan and came to her defense, jumping on an announcer’s analysis of ScarJo’s jewelry. “The pinky ring! Look at the pinky ring! It pulls the whole look together.”
It was a cute ring, I’ll admit. But not cute enough to save anything.
Dakota Johnson: 50 Shades of Space
Me: “She looks like the gold robot from Star Wars.”
My Brother: “C-3PO?”
Me: “Yeah. Sexy C-3PO.”
Mahershala Ali: Best Dressed Gentleman
Mahershala won our pick for Best Dressed among the men. Even my Mom, who usually doesn’t have a ton to say about men’s fashion, loved the look of the black on black.
My Mom: “It’s the black with the touch of silver and white– his pocket square and the hint of his watch modernize it and make it look so classy.”
What do you think? Love it? Hate it? Have an Oscars look you love?
Hit like, leave a comment, and hey– don’t forget to hit that follow button!